The Only Reason Why

"What if the only way not to feel bad is to stop feeling anything at all forever?" She paused the show, drank a glass of water, and let the question sink in. After ten minutes she hit play and watched the rest.

When the show was over, she checked the time and got into her bed. She still had four hours to decide; it was her biggest and only decision. She didn't pull on the blanket because, for some reason, the cold didn't bother her. Staring at the dark ceiling, she tried to draw the parallels between her life and the show. The more the relatable, the better.

1. It started with the only friend she had or at least she thought she had.
2. The boy with pretty eyes not only broke her heart but also her spirit.
3. The neighbor who stopped coming at the window and stopped responding to the doorbell.

She paused to reckon where did she go wrong. Why did it keep happening? The only thought that came back was how she cannot fix it.

4. Sometimes having the same interests or laughing at the same thing doesn't guarantee lifelong friendship. The light haired boy stopped responding to her texts.
5. She gave friendship another chance but little did she know that it would be her undoing. The love and strength of the friendship turned to torment and a constant gloom.
6. The tall, dark haired boy told her things she couldn't un-hear. Worse, she believed some of them.

She checked the time: 2 hours left. Time flies when you wallow in self-pity and sorrow. She made coffee. If she would give it a few more try, she might be able to make it as good as her mother does.

7. She didn't blame the girl at all. If anything, she made her stay. But she was beyond repair.

She tore a page from her fancy writing pad and wrote the only reason she could think of: SOME OF YOU CARED. NONE OF YOU CARED ENOUGH. She left the page on the coffee table in the living room and headed outside.

FUTURE PAST

Time moves in both ways. What you do now not only affects your past but also your future. That is because what you do this moment becomes your past the next moment. 

So, the controller is your present, and maybe for the same reason, we come across posts like "live in this moment" or "Enjoy now" etcetera. 

I have heard nothing but petrifying remarks about future. How it is so uncertain and terrifying, and above all, important. But haven't you wondered how the uncertainty of future is oddly settling? How the future is filled with nothing but hope. You may be sulking with rage or drowning in gloom but the hope that future will bring happiness, my friend, will help you live. 

I think for the most part people are afraid of the future because the pain is unknown. With the past, we are familiar with the pain. But a quote from the movie Her might help, "Sometimes I think I have felt everything I’m ever gonna feel. And from here on out, I’m not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I’ve already felt." So, you see, pain is inevitable but the silver lining is how the intensity decreases with time. Once you accept that, the idea of future seems welcoming. 

Now, you just have to fight the present. 

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